"Let's Talk" Are Empty Words

It's all a lie. The things people say about caring about other people's mental health are all lies. We have been drenched in media campaigns telling us to "talk to someone" when we are struggling. "Let's Talk" and be open about our mental health struggles. There are help lines we can call. There is online therapy. The message is clear, if only we can find someone to talk to, we will feel better. And our friends and family often jump on the band wagon with "I'm always here if you need to talk." But it’s a lie. A lie told without malice, but still a lie.

Telling people to "talk to someone." Or sharing posters on social media about suicide statistics and saying "someone is listening," are things people do and say to feel better about themselves. But there is no sincerity in these comments. Can you imagine posting on social media that you are depressed, and actually taking up one of your social media friends on their offer to "be there?" Like any of us are going to meet a high school friend we have not seen in 20 years and dump on them about why we are depressed and having suicidal ideation. Even if we chose to meet once, they would likely never meet with us again.

The fact is everyone has there own shit to deal with and none of us know how to deal with other people's shit. We want to be kind, but we don't have the capacity to take on more. And talking is not the cure all people make it out to be anyway. There are many kinds of depression, and many kinds of talk therapy. But the fact is when you know exactly why you are depressed, then no amount of talk can change anything. And frequently it makes things worse.

It has been 2.5 years since my mother and daughters cut me out of their lives without explanation or warning. What they have done to me has completely shattered me. I have gone through all the stages of grief. Recently I thought I was finally starting to do better. And it was important that I be better because everyone I talked to kept telling me I had get better. Over and over again people who mean well, tell me that I need to get on with my life. I need to learn how to make a new life for myself. That I can't spend the rest of my life depressed and beating myself up over this alienation. So, I did all the things therapists suggest when we are depressed. I ate better. I started walking – a lot! I set goals for myself to get more writing work. I painted. I have taken trips with my husband. In some ways, I did start to feel better. But when those people who told me I needed to get better saw I was doing those things and appeared better, it was like they then had permission to stop hearing about my problems. I was better so I didn't need to talk about it anymore.

It is too much of a burden on these people for me to be honest with them and tell them I am not better. I will never be better. I am shattered. My mother and daughters made it clear in their actions that my life does not matter to them. That knowledge has made it very difficult for me to find any reason to carry on. I am not yet 57. In all likelihood I have another 30 years or so on this planet. And the thought of that right now is simply exhausting. Thirty years of trying to hold my shattered pieces together. For what?

Talking about this will change nothing. Not with a therapist, not with friends, not with family. An outpouring of kind words on social media will make no difference. My mother has told horrendous lies about me and alienated my daughters from me. My daughters have been brutally cruel in their rejection of me. And my grandchildren are strangers to me. My husband was laid off from his job of 25 years last September. Financially, we are okay for a bit, but we cannot coast forever. He does not know what he wants to do. It is unlikely that we will be able to afford to remain in our home. It is the longest I have ever lived somewhere, and I can't imagine living anywhere else. My husband, my pug, and my house… that is all I have now. But my husband is depressed too, dogs do not live forever, and I have to prepare to say goodbye to the only home I have loved. So, what is there to look forward to?

I have a few good friends but not many and I there is only one I see with any regularity and even that is only a couple of times a year. The others live out of town. As a couple we have zero social life. Despite years having had an open door/available chair policy at every holiday meal and hosting dozens of family members, not a single member of our extended families has invited us to a meal or even a coffee in their home in years. We both have large families. Over the years we have gone out of our way to be kind and helpful to many family members, but we rarely hear from anyone. I am a freelance writer. I work alone. My days are long and lonely. So again, what is there to look forward to. I keep asking myself, what is the point of our existence?

I want my daughters back in my life. Nothing else will heal the wound. And nothing else will make my future seem worthwhile. And no one I know has the energy to hear about my depression, nor should they have to. And therapy only depresses me more. I know the tools I need to use to stay above water and talking to a stranger does not make me feel better. I just wish people would think twice before posting that they "are there" because they aren't. What they really mean to say is "I'm sorry for you," which is nice and enough. And quit telling people to get therapy. It also is not the cure all people make it out to be.

Perhaps instead of pushing "Let's Talk" and other mental health initiatives, we should be encouraging people how to be kind, empathetic, and non-judgmental. The way my daughters are treating me is a very much a reflection of the cancel culture we see everywhere. I fail to understand how holding a hand up to people's faces and refusing to engage them will get any of us anywhere. I predict an awful lot more broken relationships in this unforgiving cancel culture world. No one seems to know how to talk about anything anymore, let alone mental health. And that will have a profoundly negative affect on everyone's mental health!